and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
