If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
