Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
