does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
