I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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