Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
