i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
