I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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