I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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