so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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