you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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