He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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