Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
