watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
