A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My bed smells like the plague
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
