Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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