is your mom at the bar?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
