I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
