She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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