Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
