we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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