I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
BRING THE BAGELS
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
