if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
