Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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