Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
