Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
