is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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