Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
