Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
