U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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