just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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