I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Boobs speak an international language.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
