I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
