If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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