all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
