You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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