my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
