also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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