I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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