he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
