I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
