my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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