my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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