I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
