now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
