Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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