So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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