Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
