the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
