8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Did I show you my penis last night?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
