I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
