Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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