I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
