You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
